I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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