This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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