Define "chronic" masturbator.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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