I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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