Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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