Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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