help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize