omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
