Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
