The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
what day is it and did you see me today?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
