the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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