He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
