I just threw up on my dentist
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
