I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
