my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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