Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
