Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
