I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize