google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Houston, we have a blender
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
