my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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