So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
