My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
