Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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