In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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