He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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