I'm pants shitting drunk right now
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
