i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
