I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
