Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
