I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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