Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
