Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize