im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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