I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
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