Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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