your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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