You smell like a Billy Joel song
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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