Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize