It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
