I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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