I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
