Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
