oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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