Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
