Who wears a wallet chain?!
he thought i was a dude.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize