This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Someone shit on the floor
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
