I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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