my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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