Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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