I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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