I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
