I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
