I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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