she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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