Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
