You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
