I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
