You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
ugly people sure do ruin things
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
