What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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