im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
